A Joke Per Day

**RichYou** · 01-05-2009, 05:28 AM

There was a lady from the countryside who came to the city and checked into a hotel.
Then she said to the bellman, "I refuse to take a tiny room like this, with no window and no bed in it! You can't treat me like a fool just because I don't travel much! I'm going to complain to the manager!"
So the bellman said very politely, "Madam,this isn't your room. It's the elevator!"...

**RichYou** · 01-05-2009, 07:57 AM

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side.
And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum.
Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked, "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"

**witnesstheday** · 01-05-2009, 08:26 AM

> A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
> different hell for each country. He decides he'll pick
> the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to Germany
> Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?'He is told
> 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
> Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then
> the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the
> day'.The man does not like the sound of that at all so
> he moves on. He checks out the USA Hell as well as the
> Russian Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all
> similar to the German hell. Then he comes to the PAKISTANI
> Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting
> to get in. Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do
> here?'He is told 'first they put you in an electric
> chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for
> another hour. The PAKISTANI devil comes in and whips you for
> the rest of the day.'But that is exactly the same as all
> the other hells so why are there so many people waiting to
> get in?' asks the man. 'Because there is never any
> electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails
> were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable
> to sleep on. And the PAKISTANI devil used to be a civil
> servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back
> home for private business.'

**wickedwicca** · 01-05-2009, 04:01 PM

I like the last post..so classic..thanks for the share..

**jv17** · 01-05-2009, 07:29 PM

me too i liked the last post

**RichYou** · 01-06-2009, 09:37 AM

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the　residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence,　looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen!"

**RichYou** · 01-07-2009, 10:00 AM

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense.
He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money."
And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

**RichYou** · 01-08-2009, 09:14 AM

The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell.
So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, “I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George.” Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder, “Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?”
George replied, “Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!”

**witnesstheday** · 01-08-2009, 03:25 PM

I dug all these up when I was writing an attempt at a sitcom called "Gob****e" about an insurance salesman, actually in hell - he is just someone who has died and gone to hell and hell, for him, is being forced to sell insurance forever.

1. How about the guy who walked down the ramp from the plane and grumbled, "Well, there goes $2.50 worth of insurance down the drain."

2. He : "Dear, I just insured myself for $20,000, so if anything happens to me, you and the children will be taken care of."

She : "That's nice. Now you won't have to go see the doctor every time you feel sick."

3. "What I mean is," explained the insurance salesman to a bewildered rural prospect, "how would your wife carry on if you should die?"

"Well," answered the farmer reasonably. "I don't reckon that's any concern o' mine - so long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."

"Now that will be a premium of $16.37 per month for straight life," said the insurance salesman . " That's what you want, isn't it?"

" Well," the customer replied, "I would like to play around a little on Saturday nights."

Awakening in the middle of the night to see the shadowy figure of an intruder going through her jewel box. Mrs. Porter aroused her husband and excitedly whispered, "There's a burglar after my jewelry. Stop him!"
"Stop him?" choked the apprehensive Mr. Porter, " Suppose he's armed?"
"Don't be silly," implored the worried spouse. "You're insured - the jewelry's not!"

**jedz** · 01-08-2009, 03:28 PM

lol! I should visit this day everyday..

**RichYou** · 01-09-2009, 07:35 AM

Two people were going fishing.
They went a long way to buy the equipment, bait and a video camera.
Then they drove to the seaside. The roads were bad, and their car was badly damaged, with dents here and there. Most of their equipment was damaged, too.
After they reached the seaside, they caught only one fish.
One of them said, "Business was really bad today. Do you know how much we spent on this one fish alone?"
The other answered, "Of course, I do. We spent two thousand dollars on just this one. It is a little too much!"
The first person then said, "Good thing we didn't catch more, or the costs would have been even higher. Two thousand dollars for one fish!"

**RichYou** · 01-10-2009, 10:41 AM

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital.
The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. "you’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".
The man quickly responds, "the attorney’s".
"Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. Social workers have bleeding hearts and the attorney’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s!"

**RichYou** · 01-11-2009, 10:54 AM

"You will be pleased with me today, mother," said Dick to his mother, coming home from school. "I saved on fares. I didn't go to school by bus, I ran all the way after it."
"Well," said his mother laughing, "Next time you should run after a taxi, you will save much more."

**RichYou** · 01-11-2009, 10:55 AM

A New Zealand man caught driving at more than twice the legal speed limit claimed he needed to step on the gas in order to blow-dry his car.
Roger Daniel, 37, offered the novel excuse after he was nabbed traveling at over 120 kilometers per hour in a 50 kph zone in the northern town of Whangarei, the Dominion Post newspaper reported.
"I have a bad back and just thought I would do that instead of having to chamois it dry," he told police.
The explanation failed to impress: Daniel was fined $191 and had his licence suspended for six months.

**RichYou** · 01-12-2009, 08:03 AM

A Farmer one day came to the stables to see to his beasts of burden: among them was his favorite donkey that was always well fed and often carried his master.
With the Farmer came his Lapdog, who danced about and licked his hand and frisked about as happy as could be. The Farmer felt in his pocket, gave the Lapdog some dainty food, and sat down while he gave his orders to his servants.
The Lapdog jumped into his master’s lap, and lay there blinking while the Farmer stroked his ears. The donkey, seeing this, broke loose from his halter and began prancing about in imitation of the Lapdog.
The Farmer could not hold his sides with laughter, so the donkey went up to him, and putting his feet upon the Farmer’s shoulder attempted to climb into his lap.
The Farmer’s servants rushed up with sticks and pitchforks and soon taught the donkey that clumsy jesting is no joke.

**witnesstheday** · 01-12-2009, 11:55 AM

solar powered night vision equipment

**AD7863** · 01-12-2009, 11:57 AM

Lol solar powered night vision equipment. How's it meant to work lol.

**witnesstheday** · 01-13-2009, 12:25 AM

That was the joke.

**RichYou** · 01-13-2009, 12:51 AM

Burglars tried to break into an electronics retailer three times - only to find they'd drilled through to an opticians by mistake.
Police say the trio broke into a local newspaper office housed in the same building in Vara, 200 miles south-west of Stockholm.
It's thought they bored a hole into the wall using a power drill, but ended up breaking into an optician's office.
Spokesman Johan Svensson said: "They tried again on another wall, with the same result. And a third time."
When they punched through a fourth wall, they finally broke through to the store, but alarms went off and they fled without grabbing anything, Mr Svensson said.
Police are still searching for the men, and no arrests have been made.

**SeatRental** · 01-13-2009, 02:21 AM

Try to read this one..Enjoy!

Small World

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."