New Study, Babies Are Very Stupid

**Learning Newbie** · 04:58 PM

LOS ANGELES—A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA's Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid.

The study, an 18-month battery of intelligence tests administered to over 3,500 babies, concluded categorically that babies are "so stupid, it's not even funny."

According to Institute president Molly Bentley, in an effort to determine infant survival instincts when attacked, the babies were prodded in an aggressive manner with a broken broom handle. Over 90 percent of them, when poked, failed to make even rudimentary attempts to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent responded by vacating their bowels.

"It is unlikely that the presence of the babies' fecal matter, however foul-smelling, would have a measurable defensive effect against an attacker in a real-world situation," Bentley said.

Another test, in which the infants were placed on a mound of dirt outdoors during a torrential downpour, produced similarly bleak results.

"The chicken, dog and even worm babies that we submitted to the test as a control group all had enough sense to come in from the rain or, at least, seek shelter under a leafy clump of vegetation or outcropping of rock," test supervisor Thomas Howell said. "The human babies, on the other hand, could not grasp even this incredibly basic concept, instead merely lying on the ground and making gurgling noises."
According to Howell, almost 60 percent of the infants tested in this manner eventually drowned.

Some of the babies tested were actually so stupid that they choked to death on pieces of Micronaut space toys. Others, unable to use such primitive instruments as can openers and spoons due to insufficient motor skills, simply starved to death, despite being surrounded by cabinets full of nutritious, life-giving Gerber-brand baby-food products.

Babies, the study concluded, are also too stupid to do the following: avoid getting their heads trapped in automatic car windows; use ice to alleviate the pain of burn injuries resulting from touching an open flame; master the skills required for scuba diving; and use a safety ladder to reach a window to escape from a room filled with cyanide gas.

"As a mother of four, I find these results very disheartening," Bentley told reporters. "I can honestly say that the effort I have expended trying to raise my children into intelligent beings may have been entirely wasted—a fool's dream, if you will."
Study results also prompted a strong reaction from President Clinton. "All of us, on some primitive, mammalian level, feel a great sense of pride in our offspring," Clinton said. "It is now clear, however, that these feelings are unfounded. Given the overwhelming evidence of their profound stupidity, we have no choice but to replace our existing infant population with artificially incubated simu-drones, with the eventual goal of phasing out the shamefully stupid human baby forever."

Sample Results:
Baby #2,678:
TEST SITUATION:
THROWN TO PACK OF WILD DOGS.
RESULT:
EATEN.

Baby #217:
TEST SITUATION:
WRAPPED IN PLASTIC SHEETING.
RESULT:
COULD NOT FREE SELF. NEARLY SUFFOCATED.

Baby #856:
TEST SITUATION:
PLACED IN CENTER OF LAKE ERIE IN ROWBOAT WITH NAUTICAL MAP TO SHORE PROVIDED.
RESULT:
STILL ADRIFT NEAR ST. LAWRENCE SEAWAY.

**joerandom** · 07-30-2008, 08:21 PM

I KNEW it. Genius babies my ***

**arcel** · 07-30-2008, 11:25 PM

"Babies Are Very Stupid" nice title!!!

not true... why? i ain't stupid

**Aadriyah** · 07-31-2008, 12:06 AM

Maybe we are stupid when we're babies, but you we can't deny the fact that we're the highest form of animal- wait for those babies to grow.

**joder** · 07-31-2008, 12:40 AM

Don't tell Bushy. He will make the pregnant mothers enter a program as part of "no child left behind".

**KaityBaby** · 07-31-2008, 03:06 AM

its not that they`re stupid, its that the animals hav the instinct to protect themselves....on the other hand babies have "us" to protect them and are not born with the instincts to react in a certian way (sry for any miss-spelling, im very tired lol)

**psylocke** · 07-31-2008, 03:12 AM

We are humans, how can you say we are the highest form of animals I won't compare myself or even those babies to animals. Science can't explain everything, about the feelings like faith, love.. Don't believe on them, babies are to be nurtured and developed.

**jabo** · 07-31-2008, 03:48 AM

Well, that is why we are there. Parents, uncles, brothers, relatives, teachers, nannies to protect them and help them learn more about this world.

**KaityBaby** · 07-31-2008, 04:09 AM

i also hav to say-the animals that they were tested with were already tought by their mother/parents. they already knew what to do, to would hav only been fair if the child was at least 2 or 3 depending on the parents

**jv17** · 07-31-2008, 09:54 AM

well i guess babies don't know how to think..because they are still innocent in this world..

**MissMuffet** · 07-31-2008, 10:07 AM

of course they're stupid!

**LadynRed** · 07-31-2008, 11:07 AM

Babies are a blank slate, more or less. They have to be taught and it has been shown by a lot of research that humans HAVE NO INSTINCT left, EVERYTHING we do is learned - even our fears. Watch a small child touch a hot stove - they don't KNOW it's bad, or that it's painful, until they actually find out by getting burned. They'll even touch it when an older child (who has learned) or an adult tells them NOT to do it.

Humans have no 'maternal instinct' - if we did, there wouldn't be so many clueless mothers out there - we have to LEARN how to be mothers. We have no instinctual fears - we have LEARNED to be afraid of things thru experiencing the fears of our parents and others around us as we grow up.

So yes.. babies are stupid - BUT, humans have a greater capacity for learning and human babies learn VERY fast thanks to our larger brains.

**highanddry** · 01:14 PM

Hahaha, that is funny.. I was trying to give you talkupay but apparently I need to find someone else worthy first. Way to take the funny out of an obvious joke commenters... That sounds like an "Onion" article .

-------------------------------

Quote:

Humans have no 'maternal instinct'

Yeah they do, but we also have the ability to deny our insticts which is unique to humans.

Quote:

We have no instinctual fears

Animals don't have this either, they learn what to be frightened of just like us.

Quote:

So yes.. babies are stupid

What does stupid mean? I mean if our brains were 1/16th of the way formed we would be "stupid" as well.

**KML9870** · 02:04 PM

Think babies are stupid - where's the study on the stupid things teenagers do?

Edit - my daughter is going to kill my when she reads that

**Aadriyah** · 07-31-2008, 09:32 PM

Humans were born naked w/o any protection from harm. They also have instinct but limited. Babies are humans and humans need nurture and caring when young.

**johnlloyd** · 08-01-2008, 09:18 AM

if babies where stupid, I think the adult too....

**ewomack** · 08-04-2008, 02:52 PM

It's good to finally have some solid research behind all of our suspicions.

**thehuskybear** · 08-05-2008, 12:10 AM

I think the problem is stupid babies get dumber as they get older!

I got a 3yr old who can outsmart me... who woulda thunk

**justen** · 08-05-2008, 03:13 AM

I think this is true as babies are born, they don't know hardly anything. As they grow older there mother begins teaching them things. Then it continues to go from there.

**Learning Newbie** · 08-07-2008, 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by psylocke

Science can't explain everything, about the feelings like faith, love..

Or humor, apparently.

Actually, tho, science can explain things like love and faith. It falls under psychology. I'm not sure why people like to believe these things can't be understood by humans? I'm pretty religious myself, and I think knowledge and wisdom and intelligence are important gifts God provided us.